Affected Product Warning
Certain previously manufactured Destroy Everything audio products have been found to contain defective material, including but not limited to: bad music, poorly crafted lyrics, sloppy performances, and documentation proving this band was allowed near recording equipment.
Out of an abundance of concern for public safety, Destroy Everything is issuing a voluntary recall of all prior releases.
Attention Owners
If you are currently in possession of an affected Destroy Everything release, remove it from circulation at once. Do not listen to it, lend it, resell it, donate it, or leave it where a guest might think you have taste.
On Saturday, September 19, 2026, Liar's Club will conduct an official RECORD RECALL of all affected Destroy Everything audio products at 1665 W Fullerton Ave, Chicago, IL.
This is not a record release party.Repeat: THIS IS A RECORD RECALL.
Corrective Product Notice
Destroy Everything does have a new album called "Catastrophe No. 5 in F minus". Destroy Everything believes this new product may remedy certain defects presented to consumers by earlier Destroy Everything products, including but not limited to weak songs, bad lyrics, poor judgment, and general exposure to the band.
This belief is based largely on the fact that our bass player, Stiff Mittens, has spent approximately 10 years mixing the new album. During this period, Stiff Mittens reportedly completed his absolute best work, carefully balancing tone, volume, phase, vibe, warmth, emotional midrange, and tiny psychoacoustic adjustments to guitar tracks, thereby elevating them to a standard vastly superior to the dumb guitar tracks originally recorded.
What an asshole.
However, due to strict internal incompetence guidelines, we are not releasing the record at this show. Instead, we are recalling the old ones.
Affected Defective Products
The recall applies to the following known defective Destroy Everything releases:
- "Please Help Me" - 2000
- "Three Cheers For You" - 2003
- "No More Monkeys" - 2004
- "Freedom Of Speech Means Talk Is Cheap" - 2008
Any format will be accepted.
Vinyl, CD, cassette, 8-track, minidisc, thumb drive, napkin with a download code, hard drive from an old Gateway computer, or any other format that can reasonably be accused of containing Destroy Everything music.
Bootlegs and counterfeit copies may also be accepted.
Recall Instructions
- Do not listen to it.
- Do not sell it to an innocent person.
- Do not donate it to a library, school, church, medical facility, or impressionable nephew.
- Place the defective item in a paper bag, record crate, jacket pocket, glove compartment, or other approved containment device.
- Bring it to Liar's Club on Saturday, September 19, 2026.
- Hand it to Destroy Everything.
- Receive a new defect-free* item.
*Defect-free claim applies only to known prior defects. New defects may include length, volume, lyrics, cover art, and continued involvement by Destroy Everything.
Formal Apology
Destroy Everything regrets any inconvenience, irritation, or long-term personality damage caused by exposure to our earlier releases.
At the time, we believed these records contained music. Recent inspection suggests they may instead contain avoidable tempos, unlicensed sarcasm, choruses assembled without adult supervision, and high-end frequencies impersonating a rhythm section.
We are committed to making this right.
Short Version
OLD DESTROY EVERYTHING RECORDS BAD.
NEW DESTROY EVERYTHING RECORD GOOD.*
BRING OLD BAD RECORD TO SHOW.
GET NEW GOOD RECORD FREE.
THIS IS A RECALL.
NOT A RELEASE.
*See legal disclaimer. Do not trust "musicians".
Disclaimer
This recall is voluntary because nobody with legal authority has heard these records.
After approximately 10 years of mixing by Stiff Mittens, Destroy Everything is confident that "Catastrophe No.5 in F minus" represents Destroy Everything's absolute best work, much of which consisted of Stiff Mittens smoking cigarettes near recording equipment.
Therefore, Destroy Everything is absolutely certain that this new record is good.*
By participating in the recall, you agree that the previous Destroy Everything product was defective, the replacement Destroy Everything product is correct, and Stiff Mittens is personally responsible for the delay, the confusion, and possibly several unrelated regional problems.
*Absolutely certain means Destroy Everything has chosen to proceed as if certainty is available. No statement herein shall be construed as a warranty, guarantee, promise, threat, confession, refund policy, or reliable description of quality.